Having to tell your boss you feel unwell - but can't openly say why - is humiliating. You don't look unwell, you're fairly sure you've let them down, but what you're feeling is inescapably hard that your instinct is to get to a safe place. In my case, home.

Yesterday, I did exactly this, and I left work feeling awful. I texted my boyfriend - who knows everything about my mental illness - telling him how guilty and stupid I felt about having to need to go home. So much so that I actually had to tell myself 'don't cry, don't cry' as I walked out with my eyes welling up, feeling like an imposter, a fake, a nothing.

This is a huge effing problem when it comes to invisible illnesses. I can't say I have any first-hand experiences with invisible physical illnesses, but mental illness is invisible too, and I know a whole lot about that. The looks people give you when they think you're lying, the tone people use when they're fed up of having to deal with your excuses - because you can't tell them the truth can you? So many people think you can fix depression or anxiety or PTSD or BPD or any mental illness for that matter, by just deciding to; by saying 'I'm going to get up today and get on with things.' Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there. Saying you want to do something doesn't stop the enormous weight of fatigue keeping you down.

And why have we all become so accustomed to disbelief anyways? Why have we become so cynical? You say you don't feel well and bam - people start to question you. Why? Why can't we accept things for what they are? For the sake of each others' health at least? As my mum says, I'd rather be a fool than be mean. And I genuinely would.

I don't want pity, I want understanding. I want to be able to say to anyone that my mood is low and no, I don't always know why, but I can't function today so I need some time. I need a break. I want to be able to say I'm having an anxiety attack and I need to get to a safe place to feel better again. I want to be able to say 'I don't feel well' and not have to agree with others out of fright and shame when they assume it must be a cold or hayfever or a stomach bug going around. And I want to be able to say all this without any scepticism, any judgement, any laughter of disbelief. I want parity between all illnesses.

I want a life without white lies.

(Note: my boss is actually pretty great when it comes to mental health stuff and I do feel pretty lucky to have them as my employer. Yesterday was just a day when I myself felt utterly awful.)